hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
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dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Doug is just Canadian for dog
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.