My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
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I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
All. The. Damn. Time.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince