2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
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A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart