flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
You Might Also Like
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
I really had high hopes for this year though
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Yup!
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.