me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
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Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Autocorrect completely socks
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.