me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
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Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
be careful
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
One of the best
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
spot the difference
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now