Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
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My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
me, too, girl. me, too.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.