Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
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Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”