My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
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If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!