It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
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Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?