In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
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An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
“A little help here, Danny?”
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Saturday
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats