Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
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My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.