If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
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hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
I like crazy people until they notice me
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.