Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
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worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
My teenage children choosing violence
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.