Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
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wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
The human personality is made of five key elements
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno