Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
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Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”