Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
You Might Also Like
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.