I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
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If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.