HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
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what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
What if the weather talks about us?
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.