i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
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Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Sex so good you see dead people.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
i would wish you the best but i am the best
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this