The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
SF is the wild wild west man
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
He-man has a Masters degree
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.