If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
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My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.