*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
You Might Also Like
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.