Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
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Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake