Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
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i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
when you don’t want to be too vague
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao