This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
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Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately