therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
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“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Does it…does it take 3 days
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
pelicons
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.