There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
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Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.