Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
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My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a