I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
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All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Death certificates are our last participation award.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume