THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
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Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Not helping
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Not all heroes wear capes…
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig