My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
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Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Running from your problems is cardio .
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.