My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
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Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
No time to explain get in the wood chipper