-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
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Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Best table by far
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???