“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
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If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
RT if you could go either way.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
This is my brand.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.