Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
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If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Can’t, holding a grudge
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again