No one told me my life would become so much googling it
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Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.