“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
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He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.