TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
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I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Air conditioning – not a fan
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?