That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
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[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.