Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
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You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.