Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
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love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse