For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
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“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
#Caturday
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
WHO DID THIS?
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes