interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
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I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
never deleting this app.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.