Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
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I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE