Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
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My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.