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My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful