[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
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as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol