The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
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My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.