Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
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Basketball games are very squeaky.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Chicken bread
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…